


Yume Tarareba

by Shimmering_Moonglow



Category: Dadaroma, THE BLACK SWAN (Band)
Genre: Angst, I cried a little re-reading this, M/M, Raw painful ANGST
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-18
Updated: 2017-06-13
Packaged: 2018-10-07 11:30:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,220
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10359444
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shimmering_Moonglow/pseuds/Shimmering_Moonglow
Summary: It's been 2 years, and Takashi decides to confront his sorrow.





	1. 雨のワルツ

The rain had started. It began lightly drizzling, quickly beginning to pour.  
Takashi was glad he’d brought an umbrella.  
He looked down at the flowers in his hand, a bouquet of lilies. A single raindrop fell from a petal, splashing against the concrete ground silently.  
‘They were always his favourite.’ He thought.

He looked down, gripping the handle of the black umbrella. His boots, a present from Yusuke following the accident, were covered in mud and dirt. Someone had stepped on them on the crowded train, yet in the rush, in his misery, he hadn’t noticed.

A silent vibration from his coat pocket pulled him from his mind. A message from Yusuke.

“Hey Taka. You’ve gone there today, haven’t you? Just remember you don’t have to, he wouldn't want to see you sad.”

Yusuke. His best friend. One of very few people he still talked to regularly. If it wasn’t for him and Itsuki, he didn’t know what would’ve become of him. He was so grateful, so so grateful for the two of them.

“I’m fine, don’t worry Yu-chan. I need to do it eventually. I’m going out for dinner with Tsu-chan later, so I’ll be ok!”

Takashi smiled, thinking of how worrying his darling best friend was. Ever since the band had disbanded, Yusuke had started on his fashion brand. He owned a small boutique in a back street of Harajuku, selling great alternative street fashion. He still did the occasional session live, his love for his drums never dying down, but it was few and far.

Takashi, on the other hand, didn’t do anything until last year. He’d started looking for a new band, one with Yoshi, but nobody came close to Tomo. Nobody would ever come close to Tomo.

He looked up, examining the busy street, the sea of umbrellas surrounding him. It was choking, restricting. It crawled its way into his lungs, stopping his breath. It hurt. It hurt so much. He had to make it to that place before it became too much for him to handle. So he sped up.

Pulling his umbrella down, Takashi walked as fast as was possible in the crowd. The mindless zombies, with grey business suits and tired eyes, those who could only work. The rain fell onto his face, sliding down a much darker shade of grey, mascara painting his face like tears. But he kept going. If the umbrella ocean was too much, he just had to get away from it.

Blonde hair bobbing up and down like a drowning fish in a sea of death, he stopped, quickly checking his surroundings to make sure he was at least somewhat nearer to his destination. Next to him, there was a small bakery. _Cherry on top_. It was familiar to him, a memory of his happiest memories.

_“Tomo-chan! Tomo-chan! Can we go to the bakery that opened up the other day. The one near your apartment! It’s really nice there!” A soft giggle slipped from Tomo’s lips upon hearing Takashi’s excited squealing over yet another good food place._  
_“Sure. I think I’ve got a bit of spare money left over from our last snack trip.” A snack trip. One of those silly names Takashi had said when he was dancing round in an enthusiastic manner, smiling and laughing, that Tomo had caught onto saying very quickly. He looked over at his lover, still smiling, and sighed quietly to himself._  
_“Ah-ha! I finally caught you in the act of doing that! You never notice that you do it, but I can finally prove it!” Takashi’s finger was dangerously close to Tomo, who was shocked at how fast his lover had managed to get completely ready to leave, ready to try a new snack or two. Or three. He hurriedly pulled on his jacket and grabbed his wallet._  
_They left together._

The interior was mostly the same as last time Takashi was there, with a French feel to it and enough tables for them to fit everyone they knew and more in. For such a seemingly small place, it was remarkably large inside, he noted. Shaking off a few remaining drops of water, he stepped inside, remembering every time he had been there with Tomo. It crushed his heart a little bit more. The first time, when he’d bought enough cookies to make himself sick, right up to the last time, the week before the accident, when they had come during a rehearsal to get lunch for the four of them.

He knew he had to be quick, so he ordered a small vanilla cake slice and left as fast as he’d came. It was too sweet for him on a day like this.

Takashi sighed, checking the time on his phone. He couldn't avoid it for much longer, he had to go. But it was so hard.

Every step he took was harder, it felt heavier and more painful. But he’d made it.

“Hey Tsu-chan, I’ve arrived. I feel like I should’ve done this so much sooner than I did. See you in a few hours! ^^”

Itsuki was probably hungover, he knew that. He didn’t expect his phone to vibrate again after only a few seconds.

“Good luck. You can do it!”

Short and sweet. The way Tomo used to describe him. It bugged him, obviously, because he wasn’t short, it was just he loved someone too tall. Tomo always said they were just excuses. He was just short, he’d say with a smile tugging at his pale lips.  
Takashi missed the feeling of them.

He looked down at his hand. Lilies, the flowers his boyfriend loved so, so much. Lilies, the flower of death. Truly fitting for today. The ground beneath him was wet and muddy, messy with solitary, sombre footprints.

He knew it was about time he added his to the mess.

It was silent, as though to make a sound would be the most terrible of crimes. He tried to avoid looking at the rows of crumbling, dusty, ruined stones on either side of the muddy, leaf covered path. It only reminded him of exactly why he was there. Of the sorrow in his heart.

There it was. He’d balled his fist, trying to keep himself from crying. Takashi knew he couldn't cry yet, he had too much to say. If he started now, he wouldn’t stop.

After all, he’d come so far since that day. He’d survived even without his Tomo. Even if it had taken a while to do so.

The lilies in his hand seemed to feel even more comforting, like his only comfort, as he bent down, eyes slowly taking in the details of what was in front of him.

Tomo’s grave.


	2. ルシッド・ドリーム

Tomo’s grave.

After two years, he was finally here.

His lover’s grave.

The emotion overwhelmed him. It was too much to take.

“Tomo…”

The tears began to fall. Takashi had too much that he wanted – that he had to say. He remembered what Yusuke told him last week when he first mentioned coming here.

“It’ll be good, you’ve been upset ever since it happened. You’ll be opening a new chapter of your life. Just try to get your feelings out, say what you couldn’t say until now.”

Itsuki, of course, had a very different reaction to Takashi’s plans. For a best friend, he was never the serious, supportive type.

“That’s the anniversary, right? It’s a much better way to spend it than you did last year! That’s the only reason I don’t lend you money anymore.”

He did have a point. Last year, Takashi had borrowed his money to buy some ice cream, his favourite comfort food, which turned very quickly into bottles of assorted alcohols and Itsuki receiving a phone call in the middle of the night.

“Focus Takashi. You’ve got this. It’s gonna be fine.” He muttered, slowly gearing himself up, motivating himself quietly. “You have to do this eventually, and you’ve procrastinated for long enough.”

He bent down, tugging on his skirt softly. The grave wasn’t anything particularly special, but the large amount of flowers lining it on either side proved he was loved by many. Enough at least that they continued to visit. A small note lay, slightly damp and limp, next to a large bouquet of pink and yellow flowers.

They were still bright, probably fairly recent. A stark contrast to the slightly wilted piles.

Takashi stared at it, lost in his own world, wondering who honestly cared about Tomo enough to spend the time and the money for him. Yoshi or Yusuke maybe, although neither of them was noticeably close to him. Taku then, most likely. The pair had been good friends since Tomo had first started in visual kei. Takashi knew Tomo had kept in touch with most people he’d been in a band with, and could remember every drunken phone call from them, every time Tomo had been awoken by a raging, overly active group chat.

Takashi could remember everything he and Tomo had done together. Their first date, first kiss, their first time together. He remembered Tomo’s lips on his, his hand’s around Takashi’s waist, and so much more.

He also, with a bit more effort, could remember the time during a rather crowded instore, when a girl asked Tomo what his type was – he snuck a glance at Takashi, setting the shorter boy’s heart ablaze.

“I like energetic girls, who are always happy and can make anyone’s day just by looking at them.”

The comment caused a blush to spread across Takashi’s face. His makeup concealed the redness partially, but he was well aware that Tomo had seen it. Of course, the taller man didn’t mention it, instead opting to leave him in peace about it.

 

A strong wind snapped Takashi out of his memories. Pouting his glossy lips, he bent down, lifting his hand to shield his face from the wind.

‘I guess it’s time.’ He thought, taking a deep breath.

 

 _“Hi Tomo-chan… It… It’s been a while, huh.”_ He laughed at his awkwardness, softly cursing beneath his breath.

_“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t laugh right now. I’m really not trying to be rude Tomo-chan.”_

It felt weird, talking as though Tomo was standing in front of him. He pouted again, smiling awkwardly.

 _“How have you been? Well, aside from the obvious… Shit. This wasn’t supposed to be like this……”_ He trailed off, sighing. _“So… What’s it like being dead? Can you see me right now? I kinda hope you can’t, to be honest, I’m a mess at the moment. Well, I always am nowadays. It’s been so different without you… I miss you Tomo-chan. So, so much. It hurts every single day. There are days when I can’t even get out of bed. Do you miss me, up there in heaven? Is heaven actually real? I hope it is, then I might be able to see you again, right? I love you Tomo-chan. I love you so much. I want to see you again… but I can’t, can I? You’re gone forever, aren’t you? It hurts, a lot. It’s a never-ending despair._

_Dadaroma… we disbanded not long after the funeral. It was impossible for us to continue as three, and we couldn’t replace you. So we called it quits. Yoshi-chan is still doing music. He did session stuff for the first year or so, but he’s in a new band now. They’re really good, you’d like them. But me and Yuu-chan, we’ve both retired. Yuu-chan has a boutique in Harajuku, everyone loves it. He’s got a girlfriend, and they’re really cute together. He’ll propose soon! I’m really proud of him, are you? I mean, it’s sad though, we don’t ever play together anymore. I want all four of us to get to hold just one more live together. Me, you, Yuu-chan and Yoshi. Dadaroma, together just one more time. It’d be perfect, right Tomo-chan?_

_I don't play ever anymore. It reminds me of you. Everything does… I-I see you in so many things… You were my everything. My best friend, my boyfriend. Sure, you weren’t my drinking buddy, but that’s just because Itsuki already had that role._

A tear broke free from his eye, the first stream of water before the dam burst.

 _You were the one that would cheer me up when I felt down, you would listen to me talk, whether I was hopelessly drunk or just really excited. When I was sad, you were there for me, whenever I needed you. Forever. That was what we said, wasn’t it? We’d be together for all eternity. But you’re still here with me,”_ He smiled, placing a hand on his chest _, “in my heart, Tomo-chan._

_What else… Oh! I know!_

_I started working… eight months ago. In a small beauty parlour in Shibuya. Everyone there is really nice, and they totally understand when… when it’s not a good time. I’m really happy there though, so it’s okay! It’s nice, and clean, and even though the pay isn’t great, it’s convenient for me…_

_Well… Tomo-chan, I have to go. I miss you so much, never forget that. I’ll never forget you._

His voice cracked slightly, a cough slipping through his lips. He turned, looking back.  
A small nod and he pulled his skirt down, turning back.

**_“I love you.”_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who accidentally deleted the whole thing? Yeah.  
> It's slightly later than intended, sorry.


End file.
